Dear Brenda, Every time that I see Iris Robinson on TV she does this sort of smile, in a delicate, knowing way, like she knows I can see her. She wants me, I know it. How can I have her? Loughkeeper, Castlereagh.

Dear Loughkeeper

Seriously?

Iris Robinson isn't interested in men, not even Peter, their relationship is some kind of biological anomaly. She doesn't make love, she makes investments.

My suggestion would be that you go out and meet a woman your own age, you wee shit, and stop trying to get free advertising by drumming up scandals in the media.

That said, if you're still into the more mature woman then grab a look at my profile pic baby, I'd break you in two and you'd cry out for more.

Brenda

Dear Brenda, my girlfriend just doesn't seem to talk to me anymore, she has been so closed off I'm afraid that I might be losing her. What can I do? Regards, Lovelorn, Downpatrick

Dear Lovelorn.

That's a tricky one, there can be so many reasons why a woman might become withdrawn and distant, problems at work, pregnancy, fear for the future...

My guess however from reading your letter is that she has realized that at some point she has ended up in a sexual relationship with her gay best friend. Your problems began when you let her buy the strap-on, that should have been your first clue. Don't try to tell me she hasn't rodgered you with one.

My best advice would be to buy her a present and set her up with one of those big guys in the gym you keep admiring, but not the one with the steroid build because he's probably a date rapist.

Brenda