Dear Brenda, I'm so embarrassed, I can't stand anything penetrating me and I haven't been able to have sexual relationships because of this. I can't even use tampons, will I ever have sex? Mary, Loughbrickland

Dear Mary,

Well, funny thing is, it sounds to me like you need a bloody good ride.

There are some very good lubricants available in the market today to help you get started, personally I recommend a quarter bottle of Nordoff. Get that down your gob and you'll be ready to be penetrated all night long and some of the next day (though not for too long otherwise it'll feel like someone was going at your kooch with sandpaper).

Fanny pads are a simple alternative to the tampon problem, though it sounds to me that you really want to shove something up there so the best advice I can give is take a deep breath and think of Ulster.

It's a common enough fear, but believe me getting penetrated feels very good. And if you hang around outside the right bars / prisons you can get penetrated every night of the week. Its what I do, but then I am a very sexual being, I like to get penetrated three or four times on a Sunday before the wee'ans get up for McDonalds.

Brenda

Dear Brenda, Every time that I see Iris Robinson on TV she does this sort of smile, in a delicate, knowing way, like she knows I can see her. She wants me, I know it. How can I have her? Loughkeeper, Castlereagh.

Dear Loughkeeper

Seriously?

Iris Robinson isn't interested in men, not even Peter, their relationship is some kind of biological anomaly. She doesn't make love, she makes investments.

My suggestion would be that you go out and meet a woman your own age, you wee shit, and stop trying to get free advertising by drumming up scandals in the media.

That said, if you're still into the more mature woman then grab a look at my profile pic baby, I'd break you in two and you'd cry out for more.

Brenda

Dear Brenda, my girlfriend just doesn't seem to talk to me anymore, she has been so closed off I'm afraid that I might be losing her. What can I do? Regards, Lovelorn, Downpatrick

Dear Lovelorn.

That's a tricky one, there can be so many reasons why a woman might become withdrawn and distant, problems at work, pregnancy, fear for the future...

My guess however from reading your letter is that she has realized that at some point she has ended up in a sexual relationship with her gay best friend. Your problems began when you let her buy the strap-on, that should have been your first clue. Don't try to tell me she hasn't rodgered you with one.

My best advice would be to buy her a present and set her up with one of those big guys in the gym you keep admiring, but not the one with the steroid build because he's probably a date rapist.

Brenda