Dear Brenda, I'm so embarrassed, I can't stand anything penetrating me and I haven't been able to have sexual relationships because of this. I can't even use tampons, will I ever have sex? Mary, Loughbrickland

Dear Mary,

Well, funny thing is, it sounds to me like you need a bloody good ride.

There are some very good lubricants available in the market today to help you get started, personally I recommend a quarter bottle of Nordoff. Get that down your gob and you'll be ready to be penetrated all night long and some of the next day (though not for too long otherwise it'll feel like someone was going at your kooch with sandpaper).

Fanny pads are a simple alternative to the tampon problem, though it sounds to me that you really want to shove something up there so the best advice I can give is take a deep breath and think of Ulster.

It's a common enough fear, but believe me getting penetrated feels very good. And if you hang around outside the right bars / prisons you can get penetrated every night of the week. Its what I do, but then I am a very sexual being, I like to get penetrated three or four times on a Sunday before the wee'ans get up for McDonalds.

Brenda